Regret brings a certain bitterness to your tongue. It’s a thought or a feeling you’d rather not have. But it always lingers. And as a social experiment proved, regrets usually come with the word “not“. And here be one my deepest regrets. One that gives me ultimate sadness every time I think about it.
REGRETS ABOUT A DEAR FRIEND’S PASSING
When I was 27, one of my friends died. Before that, I knew she suffers from a brain disease from childhood. Her symptoms just kept on getting worse into adulthood. When the pain has become so severe, she was admitted to a hospital, just 50 ft or so from where I work. But I’ve never even once gone to visit her. I get off work every 5 pm, and never in her week of being in the hospital have I shown myself.
And on a Thursday night, one of our mutual friends sent me a message, telling me that she’s passed away.
I never went to her wake or her funeral. She was buried in the same place as my grandparents. But never, never even once have I visited her grave. Looking back, I realized, I was ashamed. I was so ashamed I wasn’t there and I had the gall to call myself her friend. Ashamed that of all our friends, I was the one closest to where she was. Just 50 ft away and I never went to see her, not once. I was ashamed and thought I’m a terrible friend. And I used to say that friendship means a lot to me.
A month after she died, I dreamed of her. She told me, it’s all right. I can let go. She told me she was just saying goodbye. I remember telling her sorry, over and over. I woke up crying. Even in my dream, she’s continued to be the friend that she was – thoughtful, kind, gentle.
And I was just a mess, keeping to my reasons that none of my feelings will ever bring her back. But I realized my non-feeling wasn’t doing me good as well. Guilt, grief and pain consumed me. And I tell you that no amount of beer or any other alcohol would’ve numb the feeling.
And as for all the wounds I’ve had, this one is much deserved and I’m willing to let it fester. Most of our friends say it’s all right. And I would heal. I know that, but let me hurt a little more, a little ways every time I think about it, about her. It’s my shitty way of honoring our friendship, of our ties that I let loose.
WHAT DID I LEARN? SO MUCH AND SO LITTLE.
I could never say that I’ve learned from this since I still have trouble feeling for other people. I feel so awkward whenever somebody’s having a hard time. Or someone’s sharing their sad experience. I don’t know. I always have this moment of non-feeling, where I just wait for their emotion to pass so I can walk on. I’m still terrible. But I’m working on it.
Once, I tried to stay with a friend after she had a car accident. Sometimes I send power thoughts to friends who’re experiencing hard times.
I try not to be awkward all the time.
Finally, I tell friends how blessed I am to have them in my life whenever I could. I send them messages, I say it to them personally whenever I get the chance.
I try to be there for them whenever I can.
And I’m trying to be a better friend, the best way I can.
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