You tell yourself time and again that the next one would be the right one. That this time, you know better. This time, for sure, will be your great love forever. But two next ones have passed and you’re still left bruised and broken. “The bastards”, you think. Then you start asking yourself, “Is it me? What’s wrong with me?”
You’ll brush that thought off. You tell yourself to look forward, always onward. There lies the future after all. The one future you’re going to cherish with the greatest love of your life. And this thought gives you hope, the strength to take on another chance.
After a while, the night goes longer, the darkness starts creeping into your heart. Will this one stay or is this one the same as all the others? You start praying… please let this person be the one. Let this one stay. Let this person love me forever.
Still you doubt, because so much like that future you look forward to, you know nothing’s for certain.
And that’s why you’ll fail to have that one great love of your life.
You fear all the ways that you can fuck this up.
You may start to love the person less. It must be all about you now. Bruised and broken remember? Time to protect yourself and hide away. It wouldn’t make any difference if this person leave or stay.
You may love the person more. You’ll give it all you got. What of bruised and broken heart? You’d like it to be unconditional, all-consuming. For if this person ever leaves, you’ll be nothing but a shell of who you used to be. And that’s not living at all.
Or you may finally pool that little courage you have and decide to be smart about it. Start learning about yourself – your mistakes, your triumphs. The people you’ve had before – what are they like, what did they give you, what did they do to you? Perhaps you can teach your heart. No matter how stubborn it gets, you still own it and whatever you own, you can influence. Start healing on your own. Leave the notion that someone’s going to save you. That person’s not coming, baby. You only have you. So, take care of yourself. Make it so that you feel you’re whole again, confident again, strong again. Just about ready to replace doubt with trust.
And if you should fail, know that the Universe has a humor, too. And yes, it may be playing a cruel joke on you.
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